November 13, 2017
Recently I was having a heart to heart with dear friend of mine who confided that they were too weak to make serious change in their life. At first I thought to myself, yeah that’s true, you are too weak I’ve been listening to you tell me the same story for almost 3 years. Obviously I didn’t say that, because that would have been kicking a man while he was down. I went away and did some thinking instead.
I realized that when we think we are weak and that we will not be able to handle the potential outcomes that we think may or may not occur, is actually just fear. In my experience I have made some pretty frightening decisions, that the thought of the possible disasters or failures seemed endless. To add to the fairly rational fears, I even added in few irrational ones that didn’t even make any sense. At the end of the day when I found myself on the other side of taking leaps of faith I did in fact come out on the other end fine and well. Most of the fears I have dreamed up in my life have not come true.
While I know that there are struggles with any risk, believe me I have experienced more than my fair share. I now know that the person I have become as a result of walking through my fear and standing in the pain of change or mistakes has made me have more self-respect than anything else.
You can never know how weak or how strong you are until you are actually in the midst of doing the scariest things. I had fear of how I would survive if I moved to Cape Town, and I walked through that. I had fear of making a fool of myself walking red carpets next to far better models than myself, but I made it to the other side. I had fears of life without a mother, not having family in the USA, not getting work, getting work, not having success and even having success.
One of my greatest fears was that the love of my life would leave me and go back to his ex girlfriend. I thought I would die of heartbreak if this came true. Then it did come true, and I did have pain, but I did not die. I weathered the storm and survived. On the other side of facing all my fears has always been a calm and peace in my heart.
When I look back at the many traumas I faced growing up, the trials of adulthood, and my string of broken relationships, it would be easy to tell myself that life going forward will be full of pain. But I at the least know that no matter what, I can survive; with no money, I did that already. I can move country, I can build a new career, I can be cheated on or left and I can survive that too. I can make it to the other side of losing loved ones, and friends, jobs, lifestyles, and even my dreams.
On the other side of all this I have become a woman with integrity, someone who I know is stronger than I believed she could be. You only learn the strength you have to survive when you are forced to do so.
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February 21, 2018